darkness. trees. winding roads. the unknown. 

fear. insecurity. death. broken hearts. endings. 

I feel alone. I feel afraid. but I know there are lessons to be learned in the wilderness. 

for all of 2017, I’ve been deep in the wilderness. I have felt the pain of the dark, as dreams have shriveled up and died. everywhere I turn, it feels like the end. 

it has crippled me and made me want to give up over and over again. 

but when you’re stripped of everything you know and you lose what used to be your identity, you are free to see the truth. 

naked and afraid. face down in the wilderness. that’s who we really are. 

so who am i? 

a girl who has a dream that she can change others by giving them hope. who believes that somewhere out there in this seemingly meaningless existence, there is more. that even on our darkest days, there’s still a light shining within. 

i’m the girl who eats an absurd amount of mexican food and thinks that somehow, someway, coffee just tastes better in a red cup. 

i’m the girl who loves celebrating Christmas and making others feel special on their birthdays. i’m the girl who cares far too much that the napkins match the silverware at a dinner party, and will totally judge your book by its cover. 

i’m also the girl who is afraid. afraid of not ever doing anything significant with her life. 

and so in order to combat that fear, i fill my time. i make myself busy with to-do lists, and spending time with my boyfriend or my family, or making excuses because I have a paper to write. I love all those things. but i’ve filled up my time so I don’t have the face the reality that I don’t know where I’m headed. 

I’m stuck in the wilderness. 

I’ve been face down for too long now. I’ve been too afraid of myself. too afraid that someone will put a lid to my potential, and so I’ve put a lid on myself. I’ve put far too much stake in what others think of me. 

but even as I wander through the trees, the sun has come up every morning. I feel the warmth on my face, as I long for significance. I long for purpose. I long for promises come true. 

the wilderness hasn’t been all bad. it has shown me how to trust in myself, because there’s times that’s all I’ve got. It’s brought me real friends who aren’t afraid of sharing their shit out loud, and even better, are not afraid of pointing out the flaws in me. it’s messy and hard but it’s wonderful. 

it brought me confidence. it brought me perception. no longer am I willing to take someone at their word, but instead evaluate everything on my own ethic. 

it has taken me on a journey of learning so much more about things I never paid attention to. for the first time in my life, I look at the trees and see God’s favor. I look at the mountains and see evidence of the flood, evidence that maybe God’s been present all along. 

it has made me forget the things that are not worth my time, and made me lean towards the things that will still matter in 20 years, or 20 thousand years. 

the wilderness also brought me the love of my life. my dream come true. and no, he’s nothing that I expected but he’s everything that I prayed for. he pushes me to see the mess around me as beautiful. he sees how it can work in me. and best of all, he walks with me in my wilderness even while he’s walking in his own.  

and so maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t trade the wilderness. 

2017 was hard. dark. lonely.

change came as frequently as the breeze comes through the trees. nothing is the same and yet here I am. still me. 

maybe passion isn’t enough - but experience is required to go with it. and maybe that’s what the wilderness is - an experience-making machine. 

greatness is earned. it does not come easy, without opposition or risk. it’s not free. but the future is worth everything. your future is worth everything. there is nothing to be gained from waiting. 

I don’t know about you, but I see the edge of the wilderness. I choose to see it. It’s close. I can smell it, taste it - crisp and smooth, like sweet cream and peaches in the summertime. 

maybe you’re deep in the woods, or maybe unknowingly, you’re close to the edge where you’ll find open plains. but keep running, dear friend. fight, every day, for the dream that is deep inside of you. the one you talk yourself out of as you lay awake at night. the one you’re afraid of doing, because it might cost you everything. 

you owe it to yourself to try. because the failure to try is the ultimate failure. those who win are those who get there first, because you can make the rules. 

so go. run. jump. use the wilderness for what it can bring, but get out of it as fast as you can. because what’s at stake is far greater than you even realize, and you’ve got no time to lose. 

see you on the other side of the trees.

"We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit. But the people who live there are very powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large." 
[Numbers 13:27-28]

In other words, it's just too hard. 

Then one of the men, Caleb, silenced the people and said: 

"We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it." 
[Numbers 13:30]

"The land we passed is exceedingly good. If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us. Only do not rebel against the Lord. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will devour them. Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them." 
[Numbers 14:7-10]

As Shauna Niequist puts it, the gap between heaven and earth becomes smaller at Christmas. We can feel it.

Called Me Higher

I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home 

Never let these walls down 

But You have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I'll go where You will lead me Lord 

You have called me higher 

You have called me deeper

And I'll go where You lead me Lord 

Where You lead me 

Where You lead me Lord 

I want this season to be about more. Rather than sit and wait and hope that this season of new circumstances will bring about forward motion, I want to do something about it.

The beautiful thing is, like the song states, God is asking me to do something more, something higher, deeper, and greater, but he's not asking me to figure it out alone. He's leading me.

You know that feeling you get when you know you're supposed to do something? It's that thing you think about when you're driving in your car alone with the radio off. It's that thing that someone else comments on in passing, and you immediately cringe on the inside. It's that thing that you are avoiding and putting off until tomorrow, and then tomorrow never comes.

I think that thing is God's gentle way of nudging us. Lucky us, we serve an endlessly patient God. He knows it sometimes takes us a while to finally come to the point where we say yes to whatever he has for us. The important thing is that we do it, no matter how long it takes to have the courage to get there.

This fall, I choose to be who I say that I am. I choose to follow through. I choose to take action on that one thing that God is leading me to. I hope that you'll join me. Let's be the kind of people who reject passivity and allow God to change us a little every day by putting action behind our words.